So many, but at times so few.
Or no word at all.
Just blank. Staring. Empty.
Words have the power to tear down and to build up. They have the power to bring life and to sentence death. They have a way of ripping our lives apart when we least expect it as well as heap blessing upon blessing and comfort in a way nothing else can.
I am not sure how to explain it, but I have so many words right now I could word vomit all over this empty document. I also have no words at all. It is kind of a weird feeling. I have so much to say yet nothing to say at all. I am so weary and so tired, but yet sleep just doesn't seem fitting. It seems like a waste, but I know it is needed. At this time. At this time when I should be sleeping while I can, because I don't know what the future brings. But I still just can't. And I guess that is just how it is going to be for right now.
On Wednesday we received the devastating news that our precious baby Luke has tumors growing inside of his heart. Not cancerous tumors. Tumors that will hopefully shrink. But tumors none the less. Tumors that could potentially cause my sweet baby to suffer. Potentially have open heart surgery. We were to go to a cardiologist to find out more. So we went.
On Friday we saw a cardiologist who, at the top of his career, has only experienced these tumors 3 other times. He tells us the good news that most likely our baby will have a normal functioning heart that will not require surgery and that he will go home with us from the hospital after birth. He said I would be able to deliver him as I wish and that I would not need a c-section. He gave us great news from a heart standpoint. We could not be happier about those things.
The bad news is our sweet unborn child will most likely have a very rare condition called Tuberous Sclerosis. We don't know much about his disease yet. We are trying not to gain too much of our foundational knowledge off of the internet, since it is so hard to find good sources of information. I made the unfortunate mistake of reading mommy blogs about children with the disease this morning. It was absolutely heartbreaking. And now I cannot unlearn the things I read. I do not want fear and worry to take hold in my heart.
I want to be filled with the love and peace of Christ. I want to trust in His word and in His truths. I want to believe that God formed Luke's inward parts, that He knitted him together in my womb, and I praise God that Luke is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14).
I also pray, as Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." (Luke 22:42)
I am comforted in these words. I am comforted by scripture. I am comforted by knowing that I have the God of the universe to rely on. I cannot imagine having to bear this burden without Him. I just could not do it.
Sleep is trying to overtake me so I will stop here. I will stop here knowing I have so much more I want to say, yet knowing I have no words to actually say it.
What a crazy week it has been indeed.