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You guys.

Although this has been the most challenging, earth shattering, out of nowhere, etc, etc, etc, week of my life thus far, there is one thing I truly am aware of.

I am loved.

This really goes without saying. I know I am the beloved daughter of the King and am loved more than I even know. However, I have never seen, felt, touched, or experienced so much love from friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers ever in my life.

I have gotten NUMEROUS phone calls (even personal phone calls from physicians/providers), letters, flowers, hugs, tears, prayers, close conversations, etc. since last Wednesday.

Wow... last Wednesday. I didn't even realize that today marks 1 week of knowing. Knowing that our lives have been and will be drastically different than we thought.

It has been such a weight and burden, but so much good has come from it too. Don't get me wrong. One night I was so devastated and almost.... claustrophobic? that I somewhat had a mental conniption fit. It was too overwhelming. Too much to handle. Too lonely.

But back to the good...

My faith in the Lord has... exponentially increased to say the least. Praying, reading, meditating, crying out, weeping, rejoicing, memorizing... all things. If anyone has any scripture that they have held close to their heart during times of trouble, I would love to know it. I am trying to read and memorize when I come across something that I need to have written on my heart in order to get through this. But I can only get through so much, so I would love a cliff notes edition of "these verses really empower, strengthen, get you through, trust in the Lord, etc."

People have never been nearer. Although I can go to work to a hospital full of people and still feel so alone, the people who know what is going on have really rallied around our family. I can not thank all of you enough. I feel so loved and blessed to have all of you. You will never know how much I love and appreciate every one of you.

It has brought our family unit closer. We are mirroring what the Lord wants for our family. We are trust and relying on him and loving each other in the process. It is so beautiful and refreshing.

Although my life has been filled with phone calls, waiting on hold, tears of sorrow, never ending kleenex, stress, and mourning for the last week, there is always good. And best of all, the Lord is who he is, so who are we to question him? We are but humble servants sent here to love, serve him, and do His will. I pray that I keep that in my line of sight as we move treacherously forward.

Day 3

Well since Wednesday, there is one thing I have learned - day 2 is the hardest. I am not really sure why either. The day you find out horrible news it is almost like you are so overwhelmed that you are numb. You just see the facts. You don't internalize them yet. Then day 2 comes along. You would think sleep would help. You would think, oh all I need to do is get some rest and things will look up. No. So far that is not the case. Day 2 has been the hardest. Day 2 is when the reality of life crashes upon you like the waves of a tsunami - it has no mercy. Everything and everyone is destroyed in the wake. All of the ifs and thens creep in and the grief is almost overwhelming. I have cried and cried. I have wept and wept some more. The funny thing is, I cannot even describe to you what emotion I am feeling. Is it sadness? Is it loss? Is it grief? Is it anger? Honestly, I don't think any of those words expresses how I feel. I am still trying to put a name to it exactly. Maybe one day.

Today my husband left to go out of town for work. I strangely feel more alone than ever. I guess when the only person who knows what you are going through leaves, it is quite lonely. Deliver me, oh God from this loneliness. For I know you are with me (I have also come to the realization that I have GOT to start memorizing scripture for this stuff. I cannot go through this without my compass, you know?).

I did make it to church today, which was good. At the last minute, one of the elders who is aware of our situation came and asked me if I wanted to be prayed over. I want to hold onto this new information so tightly, to the point that it is against my chest and no one can see. I did want the prayers though, so I said I didn't care. It was such a surreal moment. Sitting in my chair, alone, while someone from the stage spoke about my baby, my sweet Luke, and how my sweet baby is sick. All I could do was weep. Why was he talking like that about my baby? How could it be me that he was talking about? But nonetheless, I am the guilty party. I walked onto the stage without looking at anyone or anything. I just wept. And wept. The elders laid hands on me while the pastor prayed over me and my baby. I don't even know what he said. I just wept. The only thing else I noticed was that I was not the only one weeping. In fact, there were several people that I heard weeping also. At least I was not alone.

I am also exhausted. To the point that I could barely stay awake during church and I fell asleep sitting at the lunch table at my parents' house. I need to go to bed, but it is so hard to voluntarily do so. Maybe tonight I will actually rest. The whole house is a wreck because we have been so overwhelmed that we have not done the best at picking up after ourselves. But I don't care right now. I just want to sleep. Maybe anyways...

I still feel solid in the Lord. I know it is Him who ordained this and Him who is in control of it all. I know He does not give us more than we can handle (I need to memorize that one too). So I am putting every egg I own in His basket. It is amazing how when something like this happens, we so easily will give up our eggs. We remember, oh yeah, sorry God, these are not our eggs anyways... oops my bad. I think it is a great reminder for sure. It is just a very shocking reminder indeed.

Tomorrow I am going to call the Tuberous Sclerosis Complex Clinic at the Children's Hospital here. I really hope we get to meet with them soon. I would love to chat with them this week. I am also needing to schedule more appointments, because we are wanting to re-evaluate our care team. The medical system is so hard to navigate through. How does one choose a doctor? Most of the time I feel like proximity to home is the biggest factor in how one chooses a medical provider. In this case, that is definitely not even a factor. We need people who are experienced in how to handle this situation. Someone who will coordinate all the care we are going to need. Someone who will take care of my Luke as I would take care of him. A diamond in the rough. I am praying for that provider.

Bed is calling once again. Just some thoughts from day 3. 

Words

Words.

So many, but at times so few.

Or no word at all.

Just blank. Staring. Empty.


Words have the power to tear down and to build up. They have the power to bring life and to sentence death. They have a way of ripping our lives apart when we least expect it as well as heap blessing upon blessing and comfort in a way nothing else can.

Words.


I am not sure how to explain it, but I have so many words right now I could word vomit all over this empty document. I also have no words at all. It is kind of a weird feeling. I have so much to say yet nothing to say at all. I am so weary and so tired, but yet sleep just doesn't seem fitting. It seems like a waste, but I know it is needed. At this time. At this time when I should be sleeping while I can, because I don't know what the future brings. But I still just can't. And I guess that is just how it is going to be for right now.


On Wednesday we received the devastating news that our precious baby Luke has tumors growing inside of his heart. Not cancerous tumors. Tumors that will hopefully shrink. But tumors none the less. Tumors that could potentially cause my sweet baby to suffer. Potentially have open heart surgery. We were to go to a cardiologist to find out more. So we went.

On Friday we saw a cardiologist who, at the top of his career, has only experienced these tumors 3 other times. He tells us the good news that most likely our baby will have a normal functioning heart that will not require surgery and that he will go home with us from the hospital after birth. He said I would be able to deliver him as I wish and that I would not need a c-section. He gave us great news from a heart standpoint. We could not be happier about those things.

The bad news is our sweet unborn child will most likely have a very rare condition called Tuberous Sclerosis. We don't know much about his disease yet. We are trying not to gain too much of our foundational knowledge off of the internet, since it is so hard to find good sources of information. I made the unfortunate mistake of reading mommy blogs about children with the disease this morning. It was absolutely heartbreaking. And now I cannot unlearn the things I read. I do not want fear and worry to take hold in my heart.

I want to be filled with the love and peace of Christ. I want to trust in His word and in His truths. I want to believe that God formed Luke's inward parts, that He knitted him together in my womb, and I praise God that Luke is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14).

I also pray, as Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." (Luke 22:42)

I am comforted in these words. I am comforted by scripture. I am comforted by knowing that I have the God of the universe to rely on. I cannot imagine having to bear this burden without Him. I just could not do it.

Sleep is trying to overtake me so I will stop here. I will stop here knowing I have so much more I want to say, yet knowing I have no words to actually say it.

What a crazy week it has been indeed.

What No One Ever Told Me: Pregnancy

I am going to begin a series of posts titled "What No One Ever Told Me." I am pretty sure this phrase sums up my entire experience of pregnancy, labor and delivery, and now parenting.

Photo Cred: Blythe Parker

My first post will begin at the beginning: pregnancy. I know almost every woman in the history of the world has been there done that, but for those of us who have not been there yet, these posts will be for you. I was absolutely clueless about everything. You know the saying "you live and you learn?" That just about says it all for me!

Pregnancy does some crazy things to a woman. On one hand you feel amazing because the thought of your own body growing a human being inside of it makes you feel invincible. On the other hand, the side effects of growing that little human can become quite uncomfortable. Nausea, vomiting, heartburn, constipation, having to pee every 5 seconds, can't sleep, can't breathe, can't get comfortable, not to mention the crazy emotional roller coaster - the list goes on and on. No one ever told me it would ACTUALLY be like this. Or maybe my problem was I just don't listen. Yes, some/all of these things might happen to you if you are pregnant. Yes, you will hear EVERY pregnant woman complaining about some/all of these things. But at the end of the day, you, my dear sister, are GROWING a human being inside of you. I know all of those side effects may sound pretty lousy, but just remember that you are experiencing one of the most amazing gifts/blessings known to mankind. You are the lucky woman who gets to experience the first kick, the first movement, the first hiccup. Yes, the kick may be in the rib or the nether region, but it will be the most amazing kick you have ever experienced.

I know there are two types of women - 1.) women that like to be pregnant and 2.) women that hate to be pregnant. No matter which category you fall under, let me put out this word of advice. No matter how you feel or how uncomfortable you get or how much time you spend hanging your head over a toilet, never ever complain about the experience that has been gifted to you as a woman. I know this sounds cheesy, but pregnant women are notorious for complaining. Most people think they kind of have a right to, but I think women need to change their perceptions of what pregnancy is actually like. Change your negative thoughts into positive ones. Tell people how amazing being pregnant actually is. Stop getting caught in the rut of just whining about your back hurting or how many pee trips you took in the middle of the night last night. Because at the end of the day, your body is doing something amazing, and you should be celebrating the beauty of what your body can actually accomplish.

My dear women, love your body and the amazing things it can do. It will surprise you how much you enjoyed being pregnant when it is all over with, especially if you take hold of a positive attitude.

Those are my two cents for now. Stay tuned for more posts about how to make it through pregnancy.

On The Other Side

Have you ever felt so entrenched in a season of your life that you think it will never end?

That is how I have felt for the last 2.5 years of my life.

My life has been CRAZY... well when it comes to being busy.

I have finally made it through my master's degree in order to become a Nurse Practitioner! I thought I would never be able to say those words, but now I have!

So many things have changed since I began this journey. All for the better. And some for the best.

1.) I no longer work night shift.

Wow! This is a total life changer! I was a night shift worker for over 2 years before getting to lead the life of a normal person. It put a lot of strain on me as a person, on my family, and friends. Just everything. After starting school, I worked on days for about 8 months before going back to nights for several months. It wasn't the worst thing in my life since I was only working 2 shifts a week, but it was still nights. The reason I am not longer working nights is because....

2.) I work at a different place.

I LOVE MY JOB. I will not disclose where it is that I work, but I LOVE MY JOB. I have had this job for about 1.5 years now (crazy), and I am so glad God has brought me right where I am. I was working part time while in school, but now I only work 2 days per week because....

3.) I have a BABY!

Everyone! Meet Baby Judah!

 Photo Cred: Blythe Parker

                                                                        
This is my sweet, sweet baby boy. He no longer looks like this, because he is almost EIGHT months old! WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!
Anyways, this little guy is really why life has been turned upside down. And my life has been changed... for the best! No one can describe the joy brought to a parent by a child. Although the last 8 months have been extremely challenging, I would never take them back for one second. I have gone through having a baby, trying to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing (not a piece of cake by the way), up all hours of the night, trying to get school work done, going back to finish my clinical hours for school full time when he was only 5 weeks old, working on some days that I was not at clinicals, etc.
It has been HARD but so REWARDING!

So now that I am on the other side I will have some time to do things that I want to do (alleluia!), and not be so bogged down by my schoolwork. So you might actually see some posts on this old blog now and again. I am not going to make any promises, since the last time I did that was September and you have had lots of silence since, but I will do my best.

Cheers to making it through seasons of life and looking back and thinking "how in the world did I just do that?!"

Too Long

Welp, this post is long overdue. So overdue in fact, that I have been struggling for weeks now as to what I was going to say in this post. I still haven't decided, so I am just going to word vomit for a minute and then go to bed.

In my last post, I announced that my husband and I were pregnant and were expecting in May. Our little boy did arrive in May, and life has been abundant ever since.

I am still schooling like crazy, but good news is that I will be D-O-N-E in December. Mantra at the moment - "I can do ANYTHING for three months!"

SO many thoughts have been swirling around in my little brain about this blog for the last, well, almost year. I have so many things that I have been dying to plaster onto the inter webs, but just have not had time. I have also been brainstorming about how I want to share all of the baby info that I have collected in the last little while. This post is step #1. More will be coming, I promise.

So before I seriously explode into this text box, I am going to leave it sweet, short, and simple for now. I will be back. Next post = intro to my new addition! :)

Alert the Media

Well... it's been awhile...

I have been wanting to come and write for so long, but life has been a whirlwind. More than usual. Let's just get it over with. I have some news. BIG news. Alert the media!!

We are expecting. :)

Sorry. You are the last to know if you just found out. We have been telling people VERY slowly (since neither of us have Facebook), and it has been quite a project to try to call everyone we know and tell them. Especially since my hubby isn't big on being on the phone and I am terrible about picking up my phone for any reason.

But YES! We are having a BABY, folks! 

Our bundle of joy is arriving in May, well maybe. You know how babies are. However, according to modern medicine little Baby B is expected to arrive at the end of May! 

Boy or girl, you ask?

We find out in TWO days!! 

So I will get back to you about that. 

And we are STOKED! We cannot wait to see if little baby is a boy or girl. It has been so hard to think about putting together a nursery or any of that without knowing if the baby is male or female. So maybe I will become super inspired once we know for sure. Or mostly for sure. I know mistakes can be made.

I know what you are going to want next... belly pics! I know, I know. I have been terrible about taking these (especially internet appropriate ones)! My best friend last commented "why are all your belly pictures in your underwear in a dressing room at a store?!?!" My answer is that dressing rooms are the best places to take body photos, period. AND you seem to always be close to being naked while you are in them, right? So yeah, I will have to take a good belly bump photo and post it soon. And yes, there is definitely a belly there! 

I just wanted to clue you in on why I have been so absent. I will post soon about the boy versus girl dilemma occurring on Wednesday. :)